Plastic Surgery and Crocheted Beards

Indie     Can’t grow a beard? Don’t worry you can crochet one. Or more dramatically you can transplant one. Cultural swings in the outlook of beards have definitely been dramatic, coming from a society where beards are looked down upon and thought of with distaste (unless you are Santa Claus). But it recently the tides of change are in and it seems that the beard will be shortly reaching an almost iconic status in America. Most have seen it on the news recently how beard transplant surgery is becoming popular among young men, despite the cost of a round $8,000, and how this could be the kickoff for the male cosmetic surgery industry. It is highly dubious that beard transplant surgery and crouched beards are trending at the same time by mere coincidence, rather I propose that beards in fact are becoming a standard, instead of the exception, for the general male population. At this moment I am sitting inside a coffee shop downtown and to count there are 9 other men here as well, 7 of which have facial hair (and 1 of the 2 outsiders, it appears, is incapable of growing and facial hair…poor soul). This trend is being taken to such an extent that children are now wearing these bearded beanies. At this rate it is only a matter of time until the feminists pick up on the trend and begin wearing the crocheted patterns and getting their own beard transplants. But what is it about the beard that is becoming so incredibly desirable? Can it be simply aesthetic or something more? Well I believe so, but we will save that for next weeks post, in the mean time theorize and hypothesize.

Below I have gathered a collection of my personal favorite crocheted beards found on the web and hope you enjoy. The types of beard patterns vary from Gandalf (Lord of the rings) to the Vikings, dwarves, and obviously a wide diversity of colors. Enjoy!

LW2655 Kid Red

Decoding The Beard (pt. 2)

In case you didn’t know Valentines Day is tomorrow. In my mind Valentines Day is the day that every woman wakes up in hopes of having her feet swept off the floor by some romantic hunky monkey. But unfortunately for my wife her hunky monkey (i.e. me) has a head cold. So with the combination of romance + head cold = not a good Valentines Day. It has been three weeks since the dawn of my beard and I have now noticed various subtle challenges in my normal daily life (one of which is blowing my nose without getting snot stuck in my hair), so I figured I’d post this week about some more of my observations.

1. The Misuse of a Beard:

o-INCREDIBEARD-facebookI’m not so sure of how the slow decline of beard morals happens to everyone else, but I can speak for myself. And for some reason there is a very really temptation of being “weird” to my beard . (Click this link for a taste of the countless beard abusers that live among us.) My hypothesis is that once you embrace facial hair and allow it to contribute to your own identity that slowly and over time the beard becomes your identity and thats when things start getting weird. So my word of advice: If you start becoming known as “the guy with the beard”, shave it…you’ve gone too far.

2. The Compensation Factor: 

looking-good-daleA dirty little secret amongst men is that growing a beard is a great tactic to distract people that you a going bald! I think it because I have a beard now that I notice now every time a guy has a beard, its kinda like when ever you buy a new car and you realize there are so many people driving that same car and you never knew it. I now being well aware of bearded men I have become aware that most bearded men are balding.

3. Outdoorsmen Requirement: 

dynastySo this might just be my own insecurity but since letting my beard free I have felt an increased pressure to be more outdoorsy, especially whenever I talk to other bearded brothers. The conversations tend to end up talking about shooting stuff, hiking, and outdoors gear. I enjoy nature, but I’m no lumberjack.  But it does seem that most outdoorsmen grow out there beards. Maybe its because they are more one with nature so they let out there natural selves, or maybe its just because its cold outside. Either way I call these beardies “beard-venturers”.

Decoding The Beard (pt.1)

half-beard With wars raging, economies is crisis, and winter’s chill in full swing it seems almost petty to talk about such a light hearted subject as facial hair (which could be the reason I feel so compelled to talk about it). But I can’t help but notice (and you’ve probably noticed too) that everywhere I look all I see are beards! I’ve noticed that recently a lot of my friends have decided to jump on the beard band wagon (the beard-wagon), now I’m typically not the kind of guy to do something just because everyone else is doing it, but maybe joining in on a fad every once in a while isn’t such a bad thing. So I’m doing it and about two weeks into my epic spiritual journey of finding my inner beard and I must confess I’m loving it! It makes since why: no shaving, no shaving cuts, I get to save money on razors, and I don’t stab my wife with my prickles every time I go in for a kiss, ahhhh life is good. But I have also noticed some very interesting social effects since the dawn of my beard-venture that I would like to call “The Beard Effect”. Now I Googled “The Beard Effect” to make sure that it isn’t already being used for something else (because it always awkward when that happens) but I don’t think it is (but if does mean something else please let me know and be sure to included a suggested name change). So “The Beard Effect” are just some simple observations that I have noticed in other peoples perception of me, and are listed below:

1. Unintentional Intimidation: 

kimboFor some reason beards say, “Don’t mess with me.” and I admit that I even fall victim the this quality of The Beard Effect.  But since joining the Dark Side of the force (or maybe its the Light Side??? comments???) I have noticed people becoming more standoffish towards me.

2. Daddy Factor:

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I don’t know if it is because I look more like Santa Claus or like a dad but something about the beard lets little kids know that I’m a cool guy and that they should probably give me a hug (a maybe rub their runny noses on me). I don’t mind the little kids, I think they are great, and being liked by the young ones is like being the president or king of a kingdom of minions.

3. For Women Only:

059736-hugh-jackman-nicole-kidman

Now first off let me just say that I am a happily married man and I love my wife very, very much. Okay so now I can say that after first noticing myself and then confirming through other sources I can confidently say that only women (not girls) like beards. So say a twenty-ish hostesses at a local restaurant saw a cute guy and this cute guy just so happened to be rocking a sweet (and well groomed) beard…not even a chance buddy, sorry. But that same guy walks into a room full of late twenty / early thirties professional woman, hold on tight my friend because your about to be the cause of an all out battle. It’s just they way of the universe: women like beards, girl don’t.