Decoding The Beard (pt.1)

half-beard With wars raging, economies is crisis, and winter’s chill in full swing it seems almost petty to talk about such a light hearted subject as facial hair (which could be the reason I feel so compelled to talk about it). But I can’t help but notice (and you’ve probably noticed too) that everywhere I look all I see are beards! I’ve noticed that recently a lot of my friends have decided to jump on the beard band wagon (the beard-wagon), now I’m typically not the kind of guy to do something just because everyone else is doing it, but maybe joining in on a fad every once in a while isn’t such a bad thing. So I’m doing it and about two weeks into my epic spiritual journey of finding my inner beard and I must confess I’m loving it! It makes since why: no shaving, no shaving cuts, I get to save money on razors, and I don’t stab my wife with my prickles every time I go in for a kiss, ahhhh life is good. But I have also noticed some very interesting social effects since the dawn of my beard-venture that I would like to call “The Beard Effect”. Now I Googled “The Beard Effect” to make sure that it isn’t already being used for something else (because it always awkward when that happens) but I don’t think it is (but if does mean something else please let me know and be sure to included a suggested name change). So “The Beard Effect” are just some simple observations that I have noticed in other peoples perception of me, and are listed below:

1. Unintentional Intimidation: 

kimboFor some reason beards say, “Don’t mess with me.” and I admit that I even fall victim the this quality of The Beard Effect.  But since joining the Dark Side of the force (or maybe its the Light Side??? comments???) I have noticed people becoming more standoffish towards me.

2. Daddy Factor:


I don’t know if it is because I look more like Santa Claus or like a dad but something about the beard lets little kids know that I’m a cool guy and that they should probably give me a hug (a maybe rub their runny noses on me). I don’t mind the little kids, I think they are great, and being liked by the young ones is like being the president or king of a kingdom of minions.

3. For Women Only:


Now first off let me just say that I am a happily married man and I love my wife very, very much. Okay so now I can say that after first noticing myself and then confirming through other sources I can confidently say that only women (not girls) like beards. So say a twenty-ish hostesses at a local restaurant saw a cute guy and this cute guy just so happened to be rocking a sweet (and well groomed) beard…not even a chance buddy, sorry. But that same guy walks into a room full of late twenty / early thirties professional woman, hold on tight my friend because your about to be the cause of an all out battle. It’s just they way of the universe: women like beards, girl don’t.


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